What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
09.06.2025 08:49
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
This is soul school!.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Why do people with trauma easily recognize other people with trauma through eye contact?
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Why in my 60s do I have a strong desire to suck cock and swallow?
I was scared of men, in general
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I waited trembling.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
She married twice! .
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Why is Canada letting too many Indians in Canada?
(And it was in our own minds.)
Who then, do I blame.?
He was dying to do it , i knew.
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Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
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5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
We all went to grammer schools
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
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I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
We were not on the streets..
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Why do unattractive men assume that a pretty woman like me want them?
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
One cannot live in the past .
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I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Why does my girlfriend keep asking me if I love her?
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
So whats the point in blame.
I couldn’t, believe it.
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My family never makes their pension either.
She was in good health!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
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But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I could never make a relationship work though!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Why did i forgive my father ?
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I write beautiful poetry .
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Was to survive, this bastard.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I don,t even have a pension.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I was seconnd youngest,
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
My life is so biszare .
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I have no regrets .
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
What did i know ?
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
She loved him until the end.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Comes on , in middle age.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Put me off passion for life!!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
But it wasn’t much.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
She wouldn,t have been !
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
It was going to be , some day.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
He knew the spot.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
And i lived it daily.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
The only rule us 5 kids had .
But, we were locked up after school.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
All the time i was locked up.
So, i spoilt her more .
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I never cut or harmed myself..
As i do to all so called friends.?
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
When she asked me how she looked .
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
She found it foreign!.
But ive been too sick for many years..
Would this be the day?
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Im still living with it.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Ive learnt so much.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Especially a lifetime of it.
I said to her
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I think the readers, may guess!
I will be 64.
I was very sick at this time too.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
He resisted the act ,that day.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I was 9 years of age.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.